About a week ago, I went to Moxie’s to visit some of my ex-coworkers/now-girlfriends for dinner. Every time I visit, I always promise myself to make more of a habit out of it. Being there always seems to bring about that comfort of nostalgia I so often crave. That feeling you get when you come back home after a lengthy trip: happy you left in the first place, as your departure was what lead you through a new journey, but somewhat relieved to be back all the same. Back in your comfort zone, letting the breath you kept held for so long finally come out, letting go of the anticipation and anxiety that you held with you through every unknown step of your latest experience. The reason that these feelings are so bound up for me in what was merely one of several past part-time jobs is twofold—one being that I quit and asked for to be re-hired so many times, that feeling of “coming back” is just hardwired into my emotions by now, two—I have more memories of waking up after a swift nap in the staff lunch booths than I do of waking in my own bed. Anywho, being that it is a restaurant, banter and fun-poking is an essential part of the culture at Moxie’s. So, I was anything but shocked or offended when the conversation between my former boss and the group turned into a full out ridicule directed towards me for “selling out my dreams of writing” for the money and comfort that a job in the insurance industry will (hopefully) give me. It did, however, leave me a nagging thought, a kind of inspiring itch. I took the route of comfort to be able to enjoy my passion as a hobby instead of begrudge it as a job. Yet it seems that I have become over-absorbed in my new life, woven two tightly into the rigidity of routine and schedules. My fiery passion in which I once pursued this hobby has instead now fizzled down to a permanent degree of room temperature on the back burner of my life. So Tom, this one’s for you. Just* to show you I can make money and* write all at the same time.:)
**************************************************
I bought a new pair of running shoes for the gym yesterday. It’s always a somewhat emotional experience for me. (Being a cancer zodiac, to the core, most of all experiences tend to evoke some sort of unnecessary emotion) But when you thrive on the gym as much as I do, you would understand why. Well, first of all, I should explain that, growing up, inanimate objects took on probably much more human qualities than they should have. (Thanks, Mel-Sac). Names were given to toys and things that usually don’t get named, personalities were given to objects that wouldn’t necessarily have a personality in real life, well, objects that couldn’t even possibly have a real life. Essentially, let’s just say we lived in a Pinocchio-esque type of environment in our younger years—we treated all of our puppets as real-live-boys.
It’s only normal that those types of feelings towards my things have carried on through to my adulthood, right? (Just agree and read on).
After confirming that my new shoes had made the cut (through a trial run on the treadmill), I deliberated solemnly on how to properly dispose of my older, worn out runners. A special, separate, bag just for them, I decided. They can’t just get dumped in the big black bag that gets tossed so thoughtlessly to the curb. No, they needed a proper burial. It’s only appropriate, I think. We’ve come so far together, my shoes and I. We could’ve toured an entire small European country in the miles that we’ve ran. They have taken me on some motivating and inspiring trips. They have weathered with me through the bad days--always there to pick up my slack. They have kept my feet dry and clean on days when I decide to abuse them on unforgiving concrete or the unpredictable shore line of whatever given ocean of the country I’m currently visiting. They’ve seen me through to my goals and beyond. They stood by me proudly as I crossed the finish line of yet another 10k, pushing me to keep my pace, to meet my hoped-for time. They’ve kept my feet grounded as I push my legs to do one more squat, lent me the power to push my arms to press just 5 pounds heavier, stayed firm so I can do just one more sit up. Pushed me to my very limit and then showed me I can do even just a little bit more…
Tomorrow will be garbage day. Tonight, with memories in mind, I will pack up my shoes in their special going-away bag. In the morning, they will sit proudly on the curb, their worn-out condition a proud reminder of everything they’ve accomplished, more significantly though, all they’ve help me to accomplish. My eyes may not have memorized their make, or model, or colour, but my mind will remember the lesson they taught me in the power of perseverance, my memory will embed in it all the strides we took together, my muscles will remember the endurance we gained, the strength we accrued.
And so you see, sometimes it’s not so bad to invest emotion into every experience—whether it be a relationship with a simple running shoe, or the memory of an insignificant part time job. What if, instead of making you “weak” or “vulnerable”, “emotionally too-available”, it makes you wiser? Helping you to learn that much more from that much little; helping you to grow faster and stronger—taking something with you every time you walk away, from whatever it is you’re walking away from, as your foundation of growth for wherever it is you may be going.
Showing posts with label challenging. Show all posts
Showing posts with label challenging. Show all posts
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
"I could use a dream or a genie or a wish..."
"to go back to a place much simpler than this..."-B.O.B feat Hayley Williams-Airplanes
Usually on my drives home from the gym, my energy is exploding: if weather permits, windows are down, music is on so loud it almost drowns out my even louder singing. But today, after consecutive workout numero 6, my car rang with the sounds of only professional artists, albeit, my windows were still down thanks to 35 degree weather (at 9 am) This time I decided to actually listen to the words of the songs, instead of trying to sing over them.
One, in particular, caught my ear (?<--insert appropriate saying here). From B.O.B feat Eminem and Hayley Williams Airplanes: "And back when I was rappin' for the hell of it, But now a days we rappin' to stay relevant". I thought it was so true. I am not a rap-game-aficionado, but it is still easy to see how the industry has changed. Before, rapping about money and women and cars made you famous and kept you around, now fans are much more educated, now they want something with more substance.
And I thought to myself, now how true is this for so much else in life, so many people, so many situations?
Is ignorance really bliss? Take, for instance, when someone you love is sick or in trouble: would you rather turn a blind eye to avoid having to deal, or scrutinize anybody and everybody for each and every detail in order to be supportive? I remember when I was hit with my first tragedy--when the life of my fun-loving free spirited Uncle Wally was taken from him, and from us. The months of his illness are like a bunch of hazy clouds in my mind--and not because I was too young to have a decent memory of them, but because I felt like I was getting constantly left in the dark, having information withheld from me to protect me, not upset me. I was so angry. My aunt called one day and I pressed her for details. When she glossed over the subject I freaked out. I am not the ignorance-is-bliss type, my curiosity does not allow it. (Although sometimes my mind wishes it would, to keep the fairytale I build in my mind alive and kicking)
I'm not just talking matters of the heart here. This lyric made my thoughts split into a few different strands. I can remember the day, although not clearly or from personal experience, when post-graduate education of any form made you a big deal. When you still had to rip the sides off printer paper. When the internet still required me begging my teenage phone-obsessed siblings to let me share the line so I could chat on MSN. Now, only a short time later, everything has changed. Only PhDs or professional post-grad programs get you a career, and even that is not a gaurentee. Now the internet is a whole other world and if you missed the boat, good luck finding yourself a seat when you finally manage to clambour aboard. Options are endless for anyone for everyone. Apparently, our generation is just as stubborn as am I when it comes to unveiling the truth, discovering new things, breaking barriers. We have broken more than I think any of us imagined and good for us! But not so good for our futures. When, in the past, there were still windows of opportunity in a lot of fields, now, so many markets are flooded. Jobs that used to require merely experience now ask for degrees and when you show them that, they ask you for a profile that'll impress, enough to make you memorable out of the million other candidates who came before and will definitely come after.
As I see it, you have two options when faced with this challenge. Option one is to keep your innocence, remain ignorant, move on to something else and push your heart's desires to the last page on your agenda. Or you can jump in, take a deep breath, and work slowly. Despite the fact that my refusal to remain uneducated has also given me a slight case of anxiety, all the while leaving me feeling a bit like im constantly drowning, I will not give up my fight for success. It is not every day when I stumble across feelings so passionate. It is even more rare when they last longer than a day, or an afternoon, or an hour. You know that feeling? The one where every compliment or step forward makes you all giddy, every set back only pushes you harder...the one that makes you re-think a routine you normally follow so stubbornly--makes you want to throw it all away and just dive into your dream full-force, no strings attached, nothing holding you back. The one that stays on your mind, even when you want a break, you ask it stop, you try to remove yourself. It is a high I refuse to let fall.
Trust me, if you love it enough, it is worth it. And it is not so cold once you get used to the water...
Usually on my drives home from the gym, my energy is exploding: if weather permits, windows are down, music is on so loud it almost drowns out my even louder singing. But today, after consecutive workout numero 6, my car rang with the sounds of only professional artists, albeit, my windows were still down thanks to 35 degree weather (at 9 am) This time I decided to actually listen to the words of the songs, instead of trying to sing over them.
One, in particular, caught my ear (?<--insert appropriate saying here). From B.O.B feat Eminem and Hayley Williams Airplanes: "And back when I was rappin' for the hell of it, But now a days we rappin' to stay relevant". I thought it was so true. I am not a rap-game-aficionado, but it is still easy to see how the industry has changed. Before, rapping about money and women and cars made you famous and kept you around, now fans are much more educated, now they want something with more substance.
And I thought to myself, now how true is this for so much else in life, so many people, so many situations?
Is ignorance really bliss? Take, for instance, when someone you love is sick or in trouble: would you rather turn a blind eye to avoid having to deal, or scrutinize anybody and everybody for each and every detail in order to be supportive? I remember when I was hit with my first tragedy--when the life of my fun-loving free spirited Uncle Wally was taken from him, and from us. The months of his illness are like a bunch of hazy clouds in my mind--and not because I was too young to have a decent memory of them, but because I felt like I was getting constantly left in the dark, having information withheld from me to protect me, not upset me. I was so angry. My aunt called one day and I pressed her for details. When she glossed over the subject I freaked out. I am not the ignorance-is-bliss type, my curiosity does not allow it. (Although sometimes my mind wishes it would, to keep the fairytale I build in my mind alive and kicking)
I'm not just talking matters of the heart here. This lyric made my thoughts split into a few different strands. I can remember the day, although not clearly or from personal experience, when post-graduate education of any form made you a big deal. When you still had to rip the sides off printer paper. When the internet still required me begging my teenage phone-obsessed siblings to let me share the line so I could chat on MSN. Now, only a short time later, everything has changed. Only PhDs or professional post-grad programs get you a career, and even that is not a gaurentee. Now the internet is a whole other world and if you missed the boat, good luck finding yourself a seat when you finally manage to clambour aboard. Options are endless for anyone for everyone. Apparently, our generation is just as stubborn as am I when it comes to unveiling the truth, discovering new things, breaking barriers. We have broken more than I think any of us imagined and good for us! But not so good for our futures. When, in the past, there were still windows of opportunity in a lot of fields, now, so many markets are flooded. Jobs that used to require merely experience now ask for degrees and when you show them that, they ask you for a profile that'll impress, enough to make you memorable out of the million other candidates who came before and will definitely come after.
As I see it, you have two options when faced with this challenge. Option one is to keep your innocence, remain ignorant, move on to something else and push your heart's desires to the last page on your agenda. Or you can jump in, take a deep breath, and work slowly. Despite the fact that my refusal to remain uneducated has also given me a slight case of anxiety, all the while leaving me feeling a bit like im constantly drowning, I will not give up my fight for success. It is not every day when I stumble across feelings so passionate. It is even more rare when they last longer than a day, or an afternoon, or an hour. You know that feeling? The one where every compliment or step forward makes you all giddy, every set back only pushes you harder...the one that makes you re-think a routine you normally follow so stubbornly--makes you want to throw it all away and just dive into your dream full-force, no strings attached, nothing holding you back. The one that stays on your mind, even when you want a break, you ask it stop, you try to remove yourself. It is a high I refuse to let fall.
Trust me, if you love it enough, it is worth it. And it is not so cold once you get used to the water...
Monday, June 21, 2010
Looking for a bridge over flooded waters...
Sometimes I feel like I am living in a world where I am constantly standing in flooded waters. Why is it that everything always seems so over done, so many times repeated?
Maybe it is the universe that I'm choosing to immerse myself in right now, but it seems to me like the creative arts job market is becoming more and more popular with each passing day. There is no such thing as being arts-minded or inclined anymore. Both print and online resources make any skill accesible to anyone willing to put in the research time and work effort. With a promotion of expressing your personality so evident--from blogging, to Facebook profiles, to Twitter and all the way down to personalized desktop backgrounds and cell phone skins--the pressure is on for everyone to stand out, in their own unique creative way. What does this mean? For one thing, a world with a lot less black and white (which, for a colour junkie like me, seems like not such a bad thing). But on the other hand, it also makes jumping into the world of writing seem beyond daunting....making me feel too old while also making me feel too young...like a naiive little girl with too many questions to ask and not enough answers to give.
Learning the ropes of a new field is both exciting, for a curious mind, yet exhausting, for the mind of a self-diagnosed sufferer of ADD. So much information is available at our finger tips...but what do we do with it? What is important enough for us to absorb, and what should we let trickle out our opposite ear? What may be new and exciting and world changing for me, may be old news to the rest of the world. How do I make myself interesting to read while supplying information that is both knowledgable and relevant for both educated and uneducated minds in my particular field of interest?
By the same token, this is not the case for arts careers only. I think about professional fields like law, medicine and teaching especially, where the extra schooling replaces the unpaid internships but still does not gaurentee you a secure job position once you've been handed your diploma. Gone are the days when education put you a step ahead. Here are the days of doubled student loans courtesy of unemployment and brutal interest rates.
So as I begin my journey, I look for inspiration in everything and everyone. Recent advice from several people has always been the same: write, write write and do some reading and write some more. I am particularly reminded of my good friends LC and EC, and my mom, who have given up so much of their time in devotion to the passion for their future. LC, with her countless volunteer hours spent in classrooms, with high school teams, in the basements of churches teaching catecism classes, and so much more I'm sure I'm unaware of. And EC with her absurdly impressive writing resume which I am both envious and so very proud of. And of course, my mom, who miraculously managed to work full time, go back to get her BA, go to teacher's college, and still always manage to have lunches made, dinner ready and clothes ironed for us on a daily basis. What has this landed them, you ask? An acceptance letter from every teacher's college school of choice, a brand new career as editorial assistant at a Rogers magazine, and a career title change from underappreciated office manager to many student's (at many different schools) supply teacher of choice. And so I will try to emulate their success with their same persistance and perservance. And despite my recent lack of effort on the blogging part, I will write until my fingers bleed and my laptop battery dies.
Maybe it is the universe that I'm choosing to immerse myself in right now, but it seems to me like the creative arts job market is becoming more and more popular with each passing day. There is no such thing as being arts-minded or inclined anymore. Both print and online resources make any skill accesible to anyone willing to put in the research time and work effort. With a promotion of expressing your personality so evident--from blogging, to Facebook profiles, to Twitter and all the way down to personalized desktop backgrounds and cell phone skins--the pressure is on for everyone to stand out, in their own unique creative way. What does this mean? For one thing, a world with a lot less black and white (which, for a colour junkie like me, seems like not such a bad thing). But on the other hand, it also makes jumping into the world of writing seem beyond daunting....making me feel too old while also making me feel too young...like a naiive little girl with too many questions to ask and not enough answers to give.
Learning the ropes of a new field is both exciting, for a curious mind, yet exhausting, for the mind of a self-diagnosed sufferer of ADD. So much information is available at our finger tips...but what do we do with it? What is important enough for us to absorb, and what should we let trickle out our opposite ear? What may be new and exciting and world changing for me, may be old news to the rest of the world. How do I make myself interesting to read while supplying information that is both knowledgable and relevant for both educated and uneducated minds in my particular field of interest?
By the same token, this is not the case for arts careers only. I think about professional fields like law, medicine and teaching especially, where the extra schooling replaces the unpaid internships but still does not gaurentee you a secure job position once you've been handed your diploma. Gone are the days when education put you a step ahead. Here are the days of doubled student loans courtesy of unemployment and brutal interest rates.
So as I begin my journey, I look for inspiration in everything and everyone. Recent advice from several people has always been the same: write, write write and do some reading and write some more. I am particularly reminded of my good friends LC and EC, and my mom, who have given up so much of their time in devotion to the passion for their future. LC, with her countless volunteer hours spent in classrooms, with high school teams, in the basements of churches teaching catecism classes, and so much more I'm sure I'm unaware of. And EC with her absurdly impressive writing resume which I am both envious and so very proud of. And of course, my mom, who miraculously managed to work full time, go back to get her BA, go to teacher's college, and still always manage to have lunches made, dinner ready and clothes ironed for us on a daily basis. What has this landed them, you ask? An acceptance letter from every teacher's college school of choice, a brand new career as editorial assistant at a Rogers magazine, and a career title change from underappreciated office manager to many student's (at many different schools) supply teacher of choice. And so I will try to emulate their success with their same persistance and perservance. And despite my recent lack of effort on the blogging part, I will write until my fingers bleed and my laptop battery dies.
Friday, May 7, 2010
100-Mile Challenge
So, here I am sitting in my computer room, blanket on, hood up...cold. I wish the weather was as nice as the reflection through the windows make it seem. I tried. I took my fluffy slippers and my book and sat on my front balcony...for 3 minutes. No sun was warming me through the chill. There was no hope for me, cold-thin-blooded old me.
My days have been pretty empty lately. I keep myself busy (not with work, mind you...) but empty in the sense of purposeless, obviously. Filled instead with baking and cleaning and reading (I'm currently lost in The Forgotten Garden...check it out) and playing my recently re-purchased Nintendo 64. (Don't lie, you know its the best system ever) I feel like I have all the desire in the world to start building my future, but when push comes to shove, my laziness wins and I'm stuck in front of my newest flea market film purchase, a new episode of one of my many reality-show addictions, or with my book in my hand and my mind in another world.
So as a tool of self-motivation, I have given myself a goal. Unlike most of my recent un-attempted goals, this one I am declaring out loud, in print, so I have no excuse to not fulfill it (since my pride would suffer too much of a blow). I've decided, as a loyal and life-time citizen of Vaughan, I have failed to give it the credit it truly deserves. My knowledge of our wonderful little community falls short when it comes to being in tune to local events, home-town talent, or even where to find the city's greatest slice of pizza. Vaughan is definitely a city in the GTA to be rivaled. Yet, even with so much at our fingertips we always reach further. Nights out locally are hardly given any credit, real celebrations are always saved for downtown venues. Why? Trust me, I am no one to talk. My daily visits to Toronto.com have made me quite a budding expert at the downtown scene...I am definitely one to book everyone of my birthdays somewhere south east of our border. But I think a lot of our lack of appreciation stems only from a lack of knowledge. There is much to love about our town. Much to do and much to be proud of. If there is one place that can disprove that big city lights are the only ones that could possibly shine on success, it is Vaughan. We should proudly claim our citizenship. We should be able to argue to the contrary when people diss suburbia. So, my goal is to help us citizen's of Vaughan do just that. I intend, in my blogs, to profile local hot stops, tasty restaurants, new and old hang outs, young talent, accomplished members of our city and bring them to the forefront, give them a little credit where credit is due.
So I am accepting any and all suggestions. What makes you proud to call this city your home? What do you miss most when you're away? What place gives you comfort when it is needed the most? Where do you go for a great night out, when you need mental relief but don't need a traffic jam or a lengthy subway ride? Where do you get your best morning espresso, buy you freshest and favorite loaf of bread, have your best workout? What contributes most to your routine, the one that is a part of your every-day, not just your week-ends, that makes it just a little less monotonous, a little more enjoyable?
Post your suggestions! Now is the time more than ever. Seriously, suburban lifestyle is hot. A sixth successful season of Desperate Housewives is testament to that. So is are all the Real Housewives. The Hills and The City wouldn't even exist if there was no Orange County and you'd be lying if you said you didn't find Jersey Shore even a little bit entertaining. Let's put Vaughan on the map. (or at least make googling local resto-reviews a bit easier and informative) Maybe you can even be the next Snookie...or Brody Jenner...
My days have been pretty empty lately. I keep myself busy (not with work, mind you...) but empty in the sense of purposeless, obviously. Filled instead with baking and cleaning and reading (I'm currently lost in The Forgotten Garden...check it out) and playing my recently re-purchased Nintendo 64. (Don't lie, you know its the best system ever) I feel like I have all the desire in the world to start building my future, but when push comes to shove, my laziness wins and I'm stuck in front of my newest flea market film purchase, a new episode of one of my many reality-show addictions, or with my book in my hand and my mind in another world.
So as a tool of self-motivation, I have given myself a goal. Unlike most of my recent un-attempted goals, this one I am declaring out loud, in print, so I have no excuse to not fulfill it (since my pride would suffer too much of a blow). I've decided, as a loyal and life-time citizen of Vaughan, I have failed to give it the credit it truly deserves. My knowledge of our wonderful little community falls short when it comes to being in tune to local events, home-town talent, or even where to find the city's greatest slice of pizza. Vaughan is definitely a city in the GTA to be rivaled. Yet, even with so much at our fingertips we always reach further. Nights out locally are hardly given any credit, real celebrations are always saved for downtown venues. Why? Trust me, I am no one to talk. My daily visits to Toronto.com have made me quite a budding expert at the downtown scene...I am definitely one to book everyone of my birthdays somewhere south east of our border. But I think a lot of our lack of appreciation stems only from a lack of knowledge. There is much to love about our town. Much to do and much to be proud of. If there is one place that can disprove that big city lights are the only ones that could possibly shine on success, it is Vaughan. We should proudly claim our citizenship. We should be able to argue to the contrary when people diss suburbia. So, my goal is to help us citizen's of Vaughan do just that. I intend, in my blogs, to profile local hot stops, tasty restaurants, new and old hang outs, young talent, accomplished members of our city and bring them to the forefront, give them a little credit where credit is due.
So I am accepting any and all suggestions. What makes you proud to call this city your home? What do you miss most when you're away? What place gives you comfort when it is needed the most? Where do you go for a great night out, when you need mental relief but don't need a traffic jam or a lengthy subway ride? Where do you get your best morning espresso, buy you freshest and favorite loaf of bread, have your best workout? What contributes most to your routine, the one that is a part of your every-day, not just your week-ends, that makes it just a little less monotonous, a little more enjoyable?
Post your suggestions! Now is the time more than ever. Seriously, suburban lifestyle is hot. A sixth successful season of Desperate Housewives is testament to that. So is are all the Real Housewives. The Hills and The City wouldn't even exist if there was no Orange County and you'd be lying if you said you didn't find Jersey Shore even a little bit entertaining. Let's put Vaughan on the map. (or at least make googling local resto-reviews a bit easier and informative) Maybe you can even be the next Snookie...or Brody Jenner...
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