Test, test, 1,2 3

There's definitely been alot to say about my life lately. I'm going through a transition period that has left me feeling, fortunately or unfortunately, like everyday holds another lesson to learn from, and another challenge to overcome.

As I write my blog on the memo pad of my phone traveling from the Bay St station to Union, I realize I'm very much living my life in transit right now. It is where I conduct most of my business-eat meals, catch up on reading, sleeping, update myself on the lives of my friends, make my plans (really, what plans?), take my unpaid breaks...It`s tiring, but it's not bad. After four years of the commute I am clearly used to it. At least now I'm traveling to places I want to go.

I can't say the transition hasn't been difficult. I'm in the middle of a learning curve where nothing feels familiar and everything requires an effort. Two new completely different jobs, two completely different lists of things I have to master. I know I have been pining for this change for quite some time...but I was not made aware of the toll it would take on me physically, emotionally and mentally. Criticisms, small and big, have made me overly emotional---cut to me, hiding away in the washroom for a quick cry in the middle of a rush, or for a lenghty sob in a late night cab ride home as I listen to my drivers long distance call to Pakistan instead of the radio, while eating dry cereal (are you surprised), half of which misses my mouth and finds a new home all over my jacket, scarf and nylons.

If there's one thing I have learned from these past particularly trying days is that attitude can go a further distance than I have ever imagined. How do you handle the curve balls that come your way? When your not as good at something as you hope to be? When you make a mistake you know you could have avoided? When, instead of getting a shoulder to cry, your ignored with a cold shoulder? What's your breaking point.

I met someone new this past week. Or should I say I had a visit from the figure of the past. The playground bully. Yes, for those who may not know, or those who may not wish to believe, he does exist outside the brick walls of our elementary past. He has infiltrated the boundaries of the real world and, no, he has no mercy. He is no one in particular. He is not only one. He is everywhere--lurking behind wine bottles and server trays, office desks and water coolers. Just waiting to prey on any unsuspecting vulnerable victim--someone I have very much made myself out to be lately...someone you should never allow yourself to become.
This week, the playground bully put me to test. His challenges left me feeling weak and defeated on nights after long days of waking up too early, traveling from here to there, typing in the wrong client number, ringing in the wrong drinks and missing a newly sat table. This week, after coming face to face with the playground bully of my version of the real world, I was faced with two choices. Do I let it weaken me? Do I take the criticisms that I know are not true and rework them into the once confident definition I had of myself not too long ago? Or do I stand up to my bully, deflate his ego by proving him wrong and chuckle to myself as I watch him pretend to not see it, not admit it, as most bullies often do? I think we can safely say we've all met our match. If you haven't yet, count yourself lucky, but remember this for the time when you do: the bully is only as alive as you allow him to be. Don't let him test your opinion of yourself. It has been formed by someone who knows you best,  after a lifetime of jumping over hurdles without knocking down the bar, or knocking down the bar and picking yourself up again to finish the race. He is another hurdle. His criticisms are not what defines you, but what defines him. He creates them from anything, anywhere, at any opportunity, to feed his soul and corrupt yours.

A conversation had at work yesterday got me thinking. Why do our minds only cling to the memories of criticisms from others? So quickly casting aside the compliments, filing them to a part of our mind it takes too much effort for us to retrieve them from on a rainy day? Why do we let the playground bully stay alive in our thoughts, threatening our self esteem, and forget about our desk partners who complimented our hairbands and brought us chocolates at all the appropriate holidays?


Yes, I have learned that well in a short period time. Life in the real world isn't all I dreamt it would be. There are days when I skip to the subway, and others when I watch the time go backwards on the clock. There are nights when I`m close to giving up, followed by mornings of post-workout rejuvanation, followed by days of success. There are days when you are hurt by people who you thought were there to help, and surprised to be helped by those who you thought wanted to see you hurt.There are times when it breaks your heart to learn that a smile and a sweet demeanor won`t get you what you want, when nice guys will not finish first, when not everyone you meet will like you or think you`re smart.  But it`s time to face it. I am here now, world. I am here at least in my new world. I either have to face the challenge, or risk the loss. The true test is letting your mind chose which one is more worth it.