You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one...

Monday mornings are always bittersweet. I enjoy how I usually feel so refreshed after a full and complete day of lazyness and relaxation, after a tiring week of work and even more tiring week of workouts. Every Monday is the same: I wake up a bit earlier than needed, a little sad that my weekend festivities (no matter how simple, how grand, how memorable or how blurry they may have been) are over, a little anxious to work off my weekend binges, and a little excited to begin my countdown for whatever I have planned next. For the most part my spirits are high, even despite the fact that it seems impossible to swat away that inkling feeling that continuously threats to creep up into my mind--wake up silly girl, that refreshed feeling won't last too long, the week begins again, back to the grind.

Grind? Let's get serious here. My life is definitely less than grinding. The only difficult daily task worth mentioning would be my workouts, I guess. Those I use as a means to feel stronger than I really am, I push myself harder than I should so I can walk away feeling like I accomplished something, defeated something, am worthy of those indulgent breaks I take. But besides that, my life is everything but challenging. Wake up, go to the gym, come home, eat lunch, serve other people some lunch, go for a swim, eat a yogurt and cool whip parfait. Oh yes, I lead a difficult life (*yawn*)

This Monday has brought with it a new and foreign emotion. It's been headed my way for quite some time now, I was expecting its arrival. Today, like so many other days since graduation, I am feeling less than inspired. But in a different way than normal. Usually I embrace my un-inspiredness, thankful for a mental break, thankful for the fact that I am happy even though I have nothing really exciting to report, nothing extra special going on in my life right now, no news on the horizon, no impending grand plans. Today is different. Today I am on the lookout for inspiration, slightly jealous of my peers who seem to be swimming in a giant pool of it, with their foot in every door of opportunity. I am envious of those whose inspiration is so obvious, whose drive is so feverish, whose passion is so defined for them, it is them, they cannot function without it. I use to be like them, working, gyming, schooling and planning major events without ever tiring, achieving all the goals I set out for myself (and even surpassing a few). I seem to have lost that, though. Now I am inspired by my past self, my past accomplishments, envious of that energy for something that seems so diminished or so wasted on less than important tasks.

A recent discussion I had with creative writing college professor Antanas Silieka made me realize even more how much I crave that all-embracing desire for something. Writing, he said to me, was something I knew I had to do. It wasn't so much about living my dream, but about doing the only thing I was capable of--I am quite literally clumsy when it comes to anything else. And that is what it is all about. Dreaming is essential, of course. I, Captain Dreamer, Miss Disney, am first to advocate that. But a dreamer does not a happy person make. Anybody can dream. I dream all day long, but I don't do much. Dreaming is a fallacy, it is a guilty pleasure, it can take you away while you sit still, it can make you reach new heights while you're grounded. But the idea of dreaming is limiting. How many people actually end up living their dreams? The statistics seems so daunting. They seem so discouraging. If our future is only a dream we will likely settle for the next best thing, thankful we got so close, yet never feeling entirely fulfilled. No, it cannot just be about dreaming. It has to be about finding that thing, the only thing, the one thing you can do that makes you feel like you finally found your skin. The one thing you can do without stumbling, no matter how many times people try and push you, how much you are tested, how many times you think you have failed.

That is what I am looking for today. I search for it in my things, in my favorite books, my most prized possessions, even in my little doodles, my agenda, in my half used notebooks, my cookbooks and written recipes, my past travels, my future travels, my Google search bar......

but it is no where to be found.

I guess like every other good thing in life, and likewise, everything we ever misplace, it will come to me when I least expect it, I will find it in the one place I forgot to search....

Are you inspired?