1-800-GOT-JUNK?

Wow has it ever been a while. I went through another one of my slacking stages. You know those stages where you get computer lazy? Lazy to turn it on, lazy to wait for it to load or re-load once it freezes, lazy to creep pictures on Facebook, lazy to respond to peoples posts. That's exactly what I've been lately...lazy...lazy and loving it.

After going through a few changes and switches since the fall I finally feel settled. If you're waiting for me to tell you I've settled into a job with a promise or in even semi-concrete plans for my future, you may be here a while. Because the only thing I have settled into is my meaningless routine of part-time work in service, going to the gym, spending my free time completely as I please whether it be sleeping, or cleaning, throwing tea parties or booking last minute Caribbean getaways. And it turns out it is precisely what I've needed all along, just what the anxiety doctor called for: to be settled feeling unsettled-not knowing what to do next and, finally, not worried about it.

Since as far back as high school (to Grade 10's Civics and Careers to be exact), I've been so entirely focused on the What's Next? What can I do now to make my Next come quicker, make my transition smoother, get me to that place where I make the most money to take two vacations annually and perhaps own a cottage up north. What can I do now to get the best grades to get into the best university? What program can I take that'll give me the best chance to land that lucrative career? What exactly is that lucrative career...why do I want it? What do I ask my work to bring me in my life and what am I willing to give to it in exchange? I always put so much on my plate to make the most of my time--sports teams and school councils, part time jobs that turned into 40 hour work weeks above and beyond my school time, taking on fashion shows during two of the most difficult years of my life, balancing a pretty active social life throughout it all and let's not forget my gym addiction which needs to be fulfilled at least 5 days a week. Although being goal oriented is definitely not a flaw, the problem it seems to cause is that we simply forget to focus on the What's Now? When was there time for me to just sit back and think, to put everything into perspective, to figure out who I am outside all my responsibities, my tasks, my assignments, my workouts, the clubs, the parties? What makes me me when I'm left alone to my own devices...what will I build for myself?  I've focused all my mental stamina on figuring out just where to turn next and have forgotten where I was walking. Every morning I woke up and worked for tomorrow, every night I fell asleep anxious for a sunrise instead of taking the time to enjoy the moonlight.

This realization has helped me to slow down, to step back. To see that after so many years of What's Next I'm finally ready to take some time to live for now. To wake up every day and create my own agenda, to have nothing tying me down from doing what I want when I want--no essay to stop me from going for a tan, to the mall, for a swim, to hot yoga--no meeting with vendors to make me cancel my hair appointments or take me away from that book I just can't put down--no full time job to restrict my vacation book-offs, to stop me from going up north for a few days when I want to just get away, to take me away from the money service work makes so quick and easy and limit my funds. Now I think freely...about whatever I want...about things that don't necessarily stress me out...although sometimes those thoughts creep back up. Now I go to bed as late (or as early) as I want. I book off my shifts online, guilt free. I draw pictures in my agenda to make up for the empty space left blank by a lack of school assignments. Now I am happy being uncertain and excited to make the most of this time of my life...to work to travel....to work to live...and not to live to work....but to live for me.