Lace up

I have a confession to make. It's not something I'm proud of...but really, yes I am. It has led me to make some not-so-wise decisions but has taken me on one of the greatest journies of my life.

I am in an abusive relationship.

Unfortunately, it is not fresh. No, it is definitely not new. It is ten years in progress, and for that reason, it is impossible to walk away.

If the ride on this endeavour has been anything, it has definitely been bumpy. But rough as it has been, every second has been worth it. Even those seconds when I forget just how good it is, especially those seconds when I come so close to giving up, to throwing in the towel, just to pick myself up again and put my all into it with a reborn energy so strong I feel like we're starting all over from scratch.

It is one of those relationships that keep you coming back for more, no matter how battered and weak you feel. It was hard from the start. Hard to commit to. Hard to find the time. Hard to find the energy. Hard to change my ways. The struggle only made it more difficult. Made me feel unworthy. Made me feel like I didn't belong. But as they so often say it will, time made it better. Made me stronger. Made me realize my potential. Slowly I got strong. Slowly I was ready to take on more.

The middle years have passed in a blur. Things got comfortable as they so often do. The whole thing just became a routine. But by the same token, it became my routine. It became a part of my schedule. It became an integral part of my to do list. It became not just something I did, but something I was. And as habit so often does, things became easier. The whole thing just got boring. The challenge disappeared and I lost interest. I stopped giving it all. I thought I had reached my potential. The relationship suffered. It was on the verge of breaking. I was on the verge of calling it quits.

And then it came. That renewed energy that so often seems to save us all in the nick of time. Just when you're convinced you can't take it anymore, you realize why you've come this far in the first place. And the love was back...if it had even ever entirely left. And I was strong again. And we were strong again. Things went back to the beginning. When you get over that awkward stage of finding your footing and finally start to enjoy the ride. And every bump, no matter how big, felt like a make-shift barrier, just put there temporarily, just waiting to be broken. And I could make it through all the pain as if it wasn't there. Ignored until it healed itself. Now, today, we are still going strong, although problem free we are not. I still wake up those mornings with a bad taste in my mouth at the thought of it. I still curse the day it all began, wishing I could have found a life that made me happy without it.

But the fact of the matter is, there is nothing quite like this relationship that I am in. It is contradictory in every which way possible. Just as quick as it can elate me, it will deflate me. It is a monotonous rountine, yet it is completely unpredictable. It has the power to break me down but has the tools to build me back up. It makes me strong, but at the same time it eats away at my bones, makes me weak at the knees. I dread the days when we meet but when we are apart I wish we could be together. It picks me up when I am about to hit the ground, it makes me feel like I can overcome it all...and then it sends me home in tears. It is the only thing that will make me forget the pain...the very same pain it has caused. It understands me the best, without asking for explanation. It needs no excuses. It pushes me further just as quick as it threatens to limit me. It takes me away from it all, without even taking me a mile. It is just as bad for me as it is good. Everyday I go to it with dragging feet just to skip back with a lightened step.

Through it all, it has always been there. Always the same, but always adapting to me as a change, as I grow, as I need more, as I need less.

No one ever said it would be easy. The things that matter the most never are.

It is my battlefield.